1
00:00:01,502 --> 00:00:04,838
♪ It seems today
That all you see ♪

2
00:00:04,922 --> 00:00:08,008
♪ Is violence in movies
And sex on TV ♪

3
00:00:08,091 --> 00:00:11,887
♪ But where are those
Good old-fashioned values ♪

4
00:00:11,970 --> 00:00:14,389
[all]
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

5
00:00:14,932 --> 00:00:17,643
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

6
00:00:18,268 --> 00:00:21,522
♪ Lucky there's a man who
Positively can do ♪

7
00:00:21,605 --> 00:00:23,106
♪ All the things
That make us ♪

8
00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:24,942
♪ Laugh and cry! ♪

9
00:00:25,025 --> 00:00:30,072
[all]
♪ He's a family guy! ♪

10
00:00:36,411 --> 00:00:40,457
Welcome to Quahog's
first recreational dispensary.

11
00:00:40,541 --> 00:00:43,085
Now, as you all know,
I was against this.

12
00:00:43,168 --> 00:00:44,545
I fought it tooth.

13
00:00:44,628 --> 00:00:46,964
Maybe I should've
also fought it nail.

14
00:00:47,047 --> 00:00:48,590
But that time is gone.

15
00:00:50,050 --> 00:00:51,385
[crowd exclaiming]

16
00:00:51,468 --> 00:00:54,554
Settle down. There's enough
drugs for everybody.

17
00:00:55,055 --> 00:00:56,723
Wow, Quahog has
a lot more white guys

18
00:00:56,807 --> 00:00:58,725
with blond dreadlocks
than I thought.

19
00:00:58,809 --> 00:01:01,061
-Mmm.
-And a fair number of Black ladies

20
00:01:01,144 --> 00:01:03,146
with the blond dreadlocks guys.

21
00:01:03,230 --> 00:01:04,398
Cleveland, what do you think--

22
00:01:04,481 --> 00:01:06,191
We don't like
to talk about it, Peter.

23
00:01:06,275 --> 00:01:08,402
It's a big problem
in our community.

24
00:01:08,485 --> 00:01:10,529
It's just, you should know,
in the white community,

25
00:01:10,612 --> 00:01:13,240
these guys are kind of
considered, like, big time rascals.

26
00:01:13,323 --> 00:01:15,409
We're aware.
It's being handled.

27
00:01:15,492 --> 00:01:17,202
There was just
a big Zoom about it.

28
00:01:17,286 --> 00:01:19,204
-Maybe you could--
-We're gonna go ahead

29
00:01:19,288 --> 00:01:21,707
and deal
with this one in-house.

30
00:01:21,790 --> 00:01:23,125
How ya doin'?

31
00:01:23,875 --> 00:01:25,794
There is a plan.

32
00:01:25,877 --> 00:01:27,212
That's all I need to know.

33
00:01:32,801 --> 00:01:36,138
Is that Cinnamon Toast Crunch in
witness protection when I'm at breakfast?

34
00:01:36,221 --> 00:01:37,222
[knocking at door]

35
00:01:38,849 --> 00:01:41,059
Susie and I saw you
unloading groceries

36
00:01:41,143 --> 00:01:42,686
and wanted to let you know

37
00:01:42,769 --> 00:01:47,316
if you need
to borrow reusable bags, I have a bunch.

38
00:01:47,399 --> 00:01:50,986
And, you know,
you can't soak cast iron skillets, right?

39
00:01:51,069 --> 00:01:52,446
It strips the seasoning.

40
00:01:52,529 --> 00:01:54,781
Oh, Mrs. S
is throwing haymakers.

41
00:01:54,865 --> 00:01:57,826
-It's not soaking. I'm cooking water.
-[slams]

42
00:02:00,746 --> 00:02:02,706
Oreos! Here we go, baby!

43
00:02:03,415 --> 00:02:05,667
[whines] I want Oreos!

44
00:02:05,751 --> 00:02:06,752
[whining]

45
00:02:06,835 --> 00:02:09,671
Hey, they're just Oreos. Relax.

46
00:02:09,755 --> 00:02:11,465
Besides, they're not for babies.

47
00:02:11,548 --> 00:02:12,966
They're for rewarding good behavior

48
00:02:13,050 --> 00:02:14,843
in developmentally slow adults.

49
00:02:14,926 --> 00:02:15,969
[cell phone chimes]

50
00:02:17,554 --> 00:02:19,598
-[keyboard clacking]
-[beeps]

51
00:02:27,189 --> 00:02:28,231
So then I was like,

52
00:02:28,315 --> 00:02:32,110
"What if I've also
been the mailman the whole time?"

53
00:02:32,194 --> 00:02:33,945
Yeah, you were saying
that in the car.

54
00:02:34,029 --> 00:02:35,447
I know, but you didn't respond.

55
00:02:35,530 --> 00:02:38,325
Let's, uh... Let's lock these guys up
in the cabinet for a while, huh?

56
00:02:38,408 --> 00:02:39,951
Yeah, I think that would be best.

57
00:02:40,035 --> 00:02:41,620
[♪ suspenseful music playing]

58
00:02:47,417 --> 00:02:49,044
[clicking]

59
00:02:49,127 --> 00:02:50,128
[creaks]

60
00:02:53,298 --> 00:02:54,299
Bingo.

61
00:02:59,930 --> 00:03:01,848
Oh, baby. Bonus candy.

62
00:03:02,891 --> 00:03:04,935
Mmm. Not really feeling
the sugar rush.

63
00:03:05,435 --> 00:03:07,854
[♪ dreamy music playing]

64
00:03:08,563 --> 00:03:11,066
I can feel my heartbeat
in my eyes.

65
00:03:16,988 --> 00:03:19,700
Good idea, Rupert.
Music will help me relax.

66
00:03:19,783 --> 00:03:21,243
[♪ "The Wheels On The Bus" playing]

67
00:03:21,326 --> 00:03:23,245
Okay, this is good.
This is helping.

68
00:03:23,328 --> 00:03:25,080
[singer laughs]

69
00:03:25,163 --> 00:03:29,835
♪ The wheels bus on the bus
go 'round and 'round ♪

70
00:03:29,918 --> 00:03:31,169
Why should I be afraid of dying?

71
00:03:31,253 --> 00:03:32,254
Wait, what?

72
00:03:32,337 --> 00:03:36,341
♪ With a lunatic
on the grassy ground ♪

73
00:03:36,425 --> 00:03:38,760
[laughs maniacally]

74
00:03:38,844 --> 00:03:42,722
♪ If you hear the lunatics howl ♪

75
00:03:42,806 --> 00:03:43,932
[howls]

76
00:03:44,015 --> 00:03:48,270
♪ The wheels on the bus
may start to growl ♪

77
00:03:48,353 --> 00:03:51,648
♪ The lunatic is in my head ♪

78
00:03:52,357 --> 00:03:55,485
♪ And very soon we'll all be... ♪

79
00:03:55,569 --> 00:03:56,695
Dead.

80
00:03:57,195 --> 00:04:00,699
I wonder if this is why
Ben and Jerry started making ice cream.

81
00:04:00,782 --> 00:04:02,701
[indistinct chatter]

82
00:04:04,286 --> 00:04:06,455
Hey, grab your lunches.
I know a spot.

83
00:04:09,416 --> 00:04:11,126
I think I may take a gap year.

84
00:04:11,209 --> 00:04:12,335
You know, hit the road.

85
00:04:12,419 --> 00:04:15,755
There's something I've been searching for
for a while that I need to find.

86
00:04:15,839 --> 00:04:17,632
A little guy named Stewie Griffin.

87
00:04:17,716 --> 00:04:19,426
Can... can you hear any of this?

88
00:04:19,509 --> 00:04:21,178
I'm not even trying
to listen anymore.

89
00:04:21,261 --> 00:04:22,345
I'm thinking about soccer.

90
00:04:22,429 --> 00:04:24,514
Guys, what are you
doing up here?

91
00:04:25,140 --> 00:04:27,851
Big no-no.
The roof is off limits.

92
00:04:29,770 --> 00:04:31,980
Stewie, are you... high?

93
00:04:32,063 --> 00:04:33,899
Yeah. So are you.
We're on the roof.

94
00:04:33,982 --> 00:04:35,567
[laughs] Okay, I heard that.

95
00:04:35,650 --> 00:04:37,068
That was funny.

96
00:04:40,655 --> 00:04:43,950
[announcer on TV] We now return to
a Dateline with a beloved town dentist.

97
00:04:44,034 --> 00:04:46,077
-He did it. It was him.
-[knocking at door]

98
00:04:48,747 --> 00:04:50,165
Peter, we got a big problem.

99
00:04:50,248 --> 00:04:53,376
It appears Stewie
was high on pot at school.

100
00:04:53,919 --> 00:04:55,086
Excuse me for one second.

101
00:04:55,587 --> 00:04:57,547
Lois! Someone's at the door for you.

102
00:04:58,882 --> 00:05:00,926
Joe, why do you have Stewie?

103
00:05:01,009 --> 00:05:02,427
I'm sorry to tell you this, Lois,

104
00:05:02,511 --> 00:05:04,930
but apparently,
Stewie was high at school.

105
00:05:05,013 --> 00:05:06,556
-What?
-It's the worst thing

106
00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:07,766
I've seen in my career.

107
00:05:07,849 --> 00:05:09,226
And I've seen four dead bodies.

108
00:05:09,309 --> 00:05:12,896
Though technically, that was
a zip-lining accident in Costa Rica.

109
00:05:12,979 --> 00:05:15,232
-O... okay.
-Maybe not the best idea

110
00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:18,151
having 13-year-olds
securing those carabiners.

111
00:05:18,235 --> 00:05:19,402
-Joe, I--
-They wouldn't let me

112
00:05:19,486 --> 00:05:21,321
bring my own camera
on the zip-line.

113
00:05:21,404 --> 00:05:22,405
Odd, right?

114
00:05:22,489 --> 00:05:25,116
Well, turns out they just want
to sell you their photos.

115
00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:27,744
I'll take it from here, Joe.
Thanks for bringing him home.

116
00:05:27,828 --> 00:05:29,454
This is a serious offense, Lois.

117
00:05:29,538 --> 00:05:32,499
I have a court order
to remove him from your custody.

118
00:05:32,582 --> 00:05:34,960
What? No. Please!

119
00:05:35,043 --> 00:05:36,127
I'm sorry, Lois.

120
00:05:36,211 --> 00:05:37,420
[crying] No!

121
00:05:37,504 --> 00:05:40,340
My baby! Please!

122
00:05:40,423 --> 00:05:42,759
I gotta keep Stewie entertained,
so I'm gonna need your iPad.

123
00:05:42,843 --> 00:05:43,844
What?

124
00:05:43,927 --> 00:05:47,722
[crying] No! My baby! Please!

125
00:05:54,688 --> 00:05:56,356
Hey, what's gonna happen
with Stewie?

126
00:05:56,439 --> 00:05:58,483
Well, he's at the Swansons
until I complete

127
00:05:58,567 --> 00:06:00,735
court-ordered online parenting classes.

128
00:06:00,819 --> 00:06:02,070
Throwing this out there.

129
00:06:02,153 --> 00:06:04,656
If you want a new baby
in six months, let me know.

130
00:06:04,739 --> 00:06:06,908
You gotta tell me
within five months.

131
00:06:07,826 --> 00:06:09,494
Eh, five-and-a-half max.

132
00:06:13,665 --> 00:06:16,668
So, Stewie, I know your dad
is a pretty funny guy,

133
00:06:16,751 --> 00:06:19,754
but I'm kind of
the "your dad" around here.

134
00:06:19,838 --> 00:06:23,008
Yeah, Pops doesn't really talk
about being funny. He just is.

135
00:06:23,091 --> 00:06:25,468
Yeah, Stewie,
comedy's pretty big in this house, too.

136
00:06:25,552 --> 00:06:29,806
In fact, I recently submitted
a packet to get into the Capitol Steps.

137
00:06:29,890 --> 00:06:31,850
Nobody knows what that is, Joe.

138
00:06:31,933 --> 00:06:35,896
They're pretty well known in the
political satire, off-center comedy world.

139
00:06:35,979 --> 00:06:39,858
Anybody here know if Tip O'Neill is
a generous tipper? [laughs]

140
00:06:39,941 --> 00:06:42,235
I make a bit of hay
about that in the packet.

141
00:06:42,319 --> 00:06:44,821
Tip O'Neill's been dead since 1994.

142
00:06:44,905 --> 00:06:45,906
[cell phone chimes]

143
00:06:46,406 --> 00:06:48,491
Voicemail from the Capitol Steps!

144
00:06:48,575 --> 00:06:50,327
[Clarkey] Hey, Joe, this is Clarkey.

145
00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:52,912
So sorry, but we're gonna pass.

146
00:06:52,996 --> 00:06:56,791
We're looking for someone more off-center,
more skewed, if that makes sense?

147
00:06:56,875 --> 00:06:58,001
That's what I am!

148
00:06:59,044 --> 00:07:00,962
There's plenty of other comedy groups.

149
00:07:01,046 --> 00:07:02,047
Oh, really?

150
00:07:02,130 --> 00:07:04,633
[screams] Like
the Capitol "freaking" Steps? [panting]

151
00:07:04,716 --> 00:07:06,301
-What about--
-If you say the words

152
00:07:06,384 --> 00:07:07,385
"Ocean State Follies,"

153
00:07:07,469 --> 00:07:11,348
I swear to God,
I'll empty my bag all over the floor.

154
00:07:15,143 --> 00:07:17,062
Meg, please, I really need the laptop.

155
00:07:17,145 --> 00:07:19,272
I'm just about done
with my parenting classes,

156
00:07:19,356 --> 00:07:20,774
and then I can get Stewie back.

157
00:07:20,857 --> 00:07:22,734
One sec. I gotta finish
this mandatory

158
00:07:22,817 --> 00:07:24,235
sexual harassment course today,

159
00:07:24,319 --> 00:07:26,071
or I'm not allowed
around the janitors.

160
00:07:26,154 --> 00:07:29,658
[automated voice] True or false.
It's okay to slap a man's bottom

161
00:07:29,741 --> 00:07:30,909
if he knows you.

162
00:07:30,992 --> 00:07:32,327
That's got to be true.

163
00:07:32,410 --> 00:07:33,912
-[automated voice] False.
-I'm done.

164
00:07:33,995 --> 00:07:35,038
Thanks, Meg.

165
00:07:35,121 --> 00:07:36,998
This has been so hard for me.

166
00:07:37,082 --> 00:07:39,793
A mama just can't be
separated from her kiddos.

167
00:07:39,876 --> 00:07:42,420
Well, I'm off to Denver
with the guy from the magic shop.

168
00:07:42,504 --> 00:07:44,172
Okay. See you at dinner.

169
00:07:44,255 --> 00:07:46,883
Only if you're
in the greater Denver area there, Hoss.

170
00:07:50,762 --> 00:07:53,431
I'm just gonna give you
the "title" of the sketch.

171
00:07:53,515 --> 00:07:55,433
It's called
"The Dan Quayle Spelling Bee."

172
00:07:55,517 --> 00:07:57,102
The jokes write themselves.

173
00:07:57,185 --> 00:07:59,020
-Do one.
-[doorbell rings]

174
00:08:00,647 --> 00:08:03,108
Here it is. I'm done
with my parenting class.

175
00:08:03,191 --> 00:08:04,192
Where's my baby?

176
00:08:04,275 --> 00:08:07,112
I'm happy for you, Lois,
but don't let this happen again.

177
00:08:07,612 --> 00:08:10,573
We ran out of diapers,
so he's wearing a Walgreens bag.

178
00:08:10,657 --> 00:08:13,827
Oh, Stewie. I am so happy
to have you back.

179
00:08:13,910 --> 00:08:17,372
Momma's never gonna
let anything like this happen again, okay?

180
00:08:17,455 --> 00:08:18,748
This place is a nightmare.

181
00:08:18,832 --> 00:08:22,335
They don't even have a xylophone
on a string that you can drag behind you.

182
00:08:22,419 --> 00:08:23,795
[squeaking]

183
00:08:24,838 --> 00:08:27,132
Well, if nobody's next,
I guess I'll just go again.

184
00:08:27,215 --> 00:08:28,466
[squeaking]

185
00:08:28,550 --> 00:08:29,718
[chimes]

186
00:08:32,971 --> 00:08:36,599
Now that Stewie is back, we're gonna have
some new rules to keep us safe.

187
00:08:36,683 --> 00:08:41,104
First, it is no longer sufficient for
our pet to look after our baby.

188
00:08:41,187 --> 00:08:43,148
Probably... probably the right call.

189
00:08:43,231 --> 00:08:46,818
Second, kids' bedroom doors
are not allowed to be closed all the way.

190
00:08:46,901 --> 00:08:48,361
I am happy to do this,

191
00:08:48,445 --> 00:08:51,656
but I need you to be absolutely sure
you've thought it out.

192
00:08:51,740 --> 00:08:53,658
You don't win this one, Mom.

193
00:08:53,742 --> 00:08:55,410
I'm striking that last rule.

194
00:08:55,493 --> 00:08:57,746
We are gonna start
using the buddy system.

195
00:08:57,829 --> 00:09:00,457
If you leave, you go with your buddy.

196
00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:02,500
You're okay with all these rules, Dad?

197
00:09:02,584 --> 00:09:04,919
Sorry, bud, but I agree
with Mom on this stuff.

198
00:09:05,003 --> 00:09:08,173
I learned a lot from the dad's version of
the parenting classes.

199
00:09:13,094 --> 00:09:14,804
[commentator] He took a run
at Stefan there,

200
00:09:14,888 --> 00:09:16,848
and now it's all breaking loose.

201
00:09:16,931 --> 00:09:19,309
I also do dishes on holidays.

202
00:09:22,937 --> 00:09:26,733
Okay, Stewie, Mom says no more
screen time, so I'm gonna read you a book.

203
00:09:26,816 --> 00:09:30,236
This one is called "There's a Monster
at the End of this Book."

204
00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:31,321
[both scream]

205
00:09:33,782 --> 00:09:36,868
Peter? Stewie?
Wh... where'd you guys go?

206
00:09:37,702 --> 00:09:40,622
Lois, you need to, very carefully,

207
00:09:40,705 --> 00:09:42,957
remove that book from this room.

208
00:09:43,041 --> 00:09:44,375
Why bring it into the house?

209
00:09:44,459 --> 00:09:45,877
Why take that chance?

210
00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:47,921
Peter, enough. Read to Stewie.

211
00:09:48,004 --> 00:09:49,714
I'm an introvert.
I gotta recharge.

212
00:09:49,798 --> 00:09:50,799
You know the rules.

213
00:09:50,882 --> 00:09:53,259
One of us has to be
with him at all times.

214
00:09:53,343 --> 00:09:55,261
Ugh, I can't live with all these rules.

215
00:09:55,345 --> 00:09:58,181
Why does Meg get to live
her best life in Denver?

216
00:09:58,264 --> 00:10:00,683
[♪ dramatic music playing]

217
00:10:03,394 --> 00:10:06,981
Um, Congresswoman Boebert,
could you please stop touching me there?

218
00:10:07,065 --> 00:10:09,526
I'm a woman.
My pants are just bunched up.

219
00:10:13,321 --> 00:10:14,948
If I'm going to live under Lois's rule,

220
00:10:15,031 --> 00:10:16,991
I've got to take a little mental escape.

221
00:10:17,075 --> 00:10:19,828
Brian's gotta have some loose
gummies in here somewhere.

222
00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:24,916
Oh, Bri, you beautiful scumbag.

223
00:10:26,626 --> 00:10:27,710
Ooh, sativa.

224
00:10:27,794 --> 00:10:29,671
That means nothing to me or anyone.

225
00:10:36,052 --> 00:10:37,929
Whoa.

226
00:10:40,932 --> 00:10:42,851
Peter? Where are you?

227
00:10:42,934 --> 00:10:44,519
Relax. I just went to the bathroom.

228
00:10:44,602 --> 00:10:47,981
Relax? Stewie is unattended
in front of the TV.

229
00:10:48,064 --> 00:10:50,191
He could easily turn
into something terrible,

230
00:10:50,275 --> 00:10:51,818
like Paramount .

231
00:10:51,901 --> 00:10:53,611
Lois, you got to relax.

232
00:10:53,695 --> 00:10:56,322
What would Dr. Cosby
do in this situation?

233
00:10:56,406 --> 00:11:00,160
You put the plop in the drink
go fizz-fizz

234
00:11:00,243 --> 00:11:03,288
and make her
go sleepidy floppity floo.

235
00:11:04,455 --> 00:11:06,791
Of course. Thank you, Dr. Cosby.

236
00:11:10,211 --> 00:11:11,796
[pops and fizzes]

237
00:11:11,880 --> 00:11:13,590
May I go to the bathroom, Warden?

238
00:11:13,673 --> 00:11:14,716
You just went.

239
00:11:14,799 --> 00:11:16,509
I do different stuff every time!

240
00:11:19,053 --> 00:11:20,054
Mmm.

241
00:11:20,138 --> 00:11:22,599
This chewy Zin is excellent.

242
00:11:28,730 --> 00:11:30,648
It's close to hitting that corner.

243
00:11:30,732 --> 00:11:32,358
Yeah, it's gonna hit it
on the next one.

244
00:11:32,442 --> 00:11:35,486
[♪ intriguing music plays]

245
00:11:36,070 --> 00:11:37,280
You can talk?

246
00:11:38,239 --> 00:11:39,657
You can understand me?

247
00:11:39,741 --> 00:11:42,285
Oh, I've been waiting
a long time to say this.

248
00:11:42,368 --> 00:11:43,411
Here goes.

249
00:11:43,494 --> 00:11:46,998
Please stop buying
the cheap baby wipes. They tear me up.

250
00:11:47,081 --> 00:11:51,044
Oh, great. Your first words
to me are a grocery critique.

251
00:11:51,127 --> 00:11:52,212
Hey, guess what?

252
00:11:52,295 --> 00:11:54,881
I think Baby Shark
is a terrible song.

253
00:11:54,964 --> 00:11:56,341
And Dora sucks.

254
00:11:56,424 --> 00:11:57,592
[chuckles] All right.

255
00:11:57,675 --> 00:11:59,552
We've clearly gotten off
on the wrong foot here.

256
00:11:59,636 --> 00:12:00,720
Let's start over.

257
00:12:00,803 --> 00:12:02,013
Hi, Stewie Griffin.

258
00:12:07,435 --> 00:12:10,855
I just... I can't believe you can talk.

259
00:12:10,939 --> 00:12:12,440
Not only can I talk...

260
00:12:13,316 --> 00:12:15,360
♪ I am the very model
of a modern major general ♪

261
00:12:15,443 --> 00:12:17,403
♪ I've information vegetable,
animal, and mineral ♪

262
00:12:17,487 --> 00:12:19,948
♪ I know the kings of England
and I quote the fight historical ♪

263
00:12:20,031 --> 00:12:22,283
♪ From Marathon to Waterloo
In order categorical ♪

264
00:12:22,367 --> 00:12:23,826
[chuckling]

265
00:12:23,910 --> 00:12:25,245
I love this.

266
00:12:25,328 --> 00:12:27,247
Did Peter do this once?

267
00:12:27,330 --> 00:12:29,582
Eh, he... he mumbled
his way through it, but yeah.

268
00:12:29,666 --> 00:12:32,126
I don't understand how we're talking.

269
00:12:32,210 --> 00:12:33,836
Probably because we're both zonked?

270
00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:37,131
[blows raspberry] I would
never do that in front of my baby.

271
00:12:37,215 --> 00:12:39,926
Okay, then tell me something
about the Dave Matthews Band.

272
00:12:40,009 --> 00:12:43,388
Carter Beauford is the best
drummer of his genera--

273
00:12:43,471 --> 00:12:45,431
Oh, my God, I am zonked.

274
00:12:45,515 --> 00:12:49,352
So, I, uh, found some
gummies in Bri's car and dosed us both.

275
00:12:49,894 --> 00:12:51,980
-Are you mad?
-Well, I should be,

276
00:12:52,063 --> 00:12:54,357
but this is kind of awesome.

277
00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:56,192
I'm talking to my baby.

278
00:12:56,276 --> 00:12:58,820
Honestly, if I were you,
I'd do this all the time.

279
00:12:58,903 --> 00:12:59,946
You put up with a lot.

280
00:13:00,029 --> 00:13:02,198
[sighs] Really? You think so?

281
00:13:02,282 --> 00:13:03,533
I mean, yes. Look at Peter.

282
00:13:03,616 --> 00:13:06,077
He treats you like garbage
and does zero to help out.

283
00:13:06,160 --> 00:13:07,412
Why do you let him do that?

284
00:13:07,495 --> 00:13:09,580
Oh, you are getting right in there.

285
00:13:09,664 --> 00:13:11,124
It's tough, you know.

286
00:13:11,207 --> 00:13:12,834
You commit to somebody for life

287
00:13:12,917 --> 00:13:15,920
when you're, like, 19,
and you know nothing.

288
00:13:16,004 --> 00:13:17,630
Damn. Yeah.

289
00:13:17,714 --> 00:13:20,842
And it may be hard to believe,
but when he was 19,

290
00:13:20,925 --> 00:13:22,969
Peter was stunning.

291
00:13:23,052 --> 00:13:24,762
I mean, weirdly, I can see it.

292
00:13:24,846 --> 00:13:28,725
Besides, he... he's gonna be dead in
a couple of years, anyway.

293
00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:31,311
By then, my trust fund will vest,

294
00:13:31,394 --> 00:13:34,022
and I'm gonna be playin'
in a whole different league.

295
00:13:34,105 --> 00:13:36,024
Oh, that's good.
Okay, good, you got a plan.

296
00:13:36,107 --> 00:13:37,692
That's... that's cool.
That's cool.

297
00:13:37,775 --> 00:13:40,611
[♪ soft jazz music playing]

298
00:13:40,695 --> 00:13:42,447
Hey, what's the story with Chris?

299
00:13:42,530 --> 00:13:44,032
It just doesn't seem like he's...

300
00:13:44,115 --> 00:13:45,199
How do I say this?

301
00:13:45,283 --> 00:13:46,534
...thriving, you know?

302
00:13:46,617 --> 00:13:50,413
I fell down an escalator
when I was pregnant with him.

303
00:13:50,496 --> 00:13:52,790
He totally has an escalator head vibe.

304
00:13:52,874 --> 00:13:54,333
[chuckles] Yeah.

305
00:13:54,417 --> 00:13:57,795
We tried to sue the mall,
but then the mall just closed.

306
00:13:58,796 --> 00:14:00,089
Remember malls?

307
00:14:02,425 --> 00:14:04,052
You know Brian loves you, right?

308
00:14:04,135 --> 00:14:05,845
Yeah, I know.

309
00:14:05,928 --> 00:14:07,847
No, like, he really loves you.

310
00:14:07,930 --> 00:14:09,724
I know, I know.

311
00:14:09,807 --> 00:14:12,060
I don't quite know how to handle it,

312
00:14:12,143 --> 00:14:14,729
but, aw, he's such a good boy.

313
00:14:14,812 --> 00:14:16,689
And he'll be dead
in a couple of years so...

314
00:14:16,773 --> 00:14:18,649
[both laughing]

315
00:14:18,733 --> 00:14:20,985
[chuckles] You... you are
one twisted lady.

316
00:14:21,069 --> 00:14:22,904
You should try out
for the Capitol Steps.

317
00:14:22,987 --> 00:14:25,531
-What's that?
-I don't know. It's weird at the Swansons.

318
00:14:26,157 --> 00:14:29,118
Oh, my God. What if we did
an adventure together?

319
00:14:29,202 --> 00:14:31,454
Oh, yes. I know
the perfect thing for this vibe.

320
00:14:31,537 --> 00:14:34,999
Watch The Big Lebowski
at a small theater by a college.

321
00:14:35,083 --> 00:14:36,375
Okay. [giggles]

322
00:14:36,459 --> 00:14:38,795
-Do you think I'll like it?
-You'll think it's fine.

323
00:14:38,878 --> 00:14:40,254
All women think it's fine.

324
00:14:44,926 --> 00:14:48,513
Huh. Wouldn't you think
John Goodman would be the Big Lebowski?

325
00:14:48,596 --> 00:14:50,640
Whoa, yeah. Oh, that's good.

326
00:14:50,723 --> 00:14:52,683
I have a million
of these thoughts a day.

327
00:14:52,767 --> 00:14:54,977
Who am I supposed
to tell 'em to? Freakin' Bonnie?

328
00:14:55,061 --> 00:14:56,354
Can I... Can I say something?

329
00:14:56,437 --> 00:14:59,065
Bonnie's not pretty enough
to be as mean as she is.

330
00:14:59,148 --> 00:15:01,859
Yes! That. That.

331
00:15:01,943 --> 00:15:04,112
I'm really enjoying
being on drugs with you.

332
00:15:04,195 --> 00:15:06,280
I don't know why
people say drugs are bad.

333
00:15:06,364 --> 00:15:09,534
Oof. Oh, bad time
for Philip Seymour Hoffman to show up.

334
00:15:09,617 --> 00:15:12,328
I can't stop thinking
about the girl who sold us the tickets

335
00:15:12,411 --> 00:15:14,413
and then had to run
and make the popcorn.

336
00:15:14,497 --> 00:15:16,833
Yeah. And I saw a broom
by the popcorn maker,

337
00:15:16,916 --> 00:15:19,127
so you know she's
putting on one more hat.

338
00:15:21,379 --> 00:15:23,422
-I'm still hungry.
-I'm starving.

339
00:15:23,506 --> 00:15:24,924
We gotta go to IHOP, right?

340
00:15:25,007 --> 00:15:26,134
Have to.

341
00:15:26,968 --> 00:15:28,928
Thank you so much.

342
00:15:29,011 --> 00:15:31,305
We had such a nice time.

343
00:15:35,309 --> 00:15:37,854
You know our waitress was the girl from
the movie theater, right?

344
00:15:37,937 --> 00:15:39,105
Yeah, I couldn't look up.

345
00:15:39,188 --> 00:15:40,940
Nobody's rooting for her
harder than me,

346
00:15:41,023 --> 00:15:43,151
but you just know she's not
getting our order right.

347
00:15:43,234 --> 00:15:45,153
Yeah, just write it down. God.

348
00:15:45,236 --> 00:15:46,612
Okay, real talk.

349
00:15:46,696 --> 00:15:47,864
Sometimes...

350
00:15:48,614 --> 00:15:52,160
I get the feeling that I might love you
more than you love me,

351
00:15:52,243 --> 00:15:53,286
which is fine.

352
00:15:54,036 --> 00:15:56,581
You're not wrong.
Honestly, I can't believe I'm saying this,

353
00:15:56,664 --> 00:16:00,293
but there was a time
when I actually wanted to kill you.

354
00:16:00,376 --> 00:16:02,253
What? [chuckles nervously]

355
00:16:02,336 --> 00:16:03,963
Why would you wanna do that?

356
00:16:04,046 --> 00:16:05,882
Maybe because you're such a doormat.

357
00:16:05,965 --> 00:16:07,508
You let everyone walk all over you,

358
00:16:07,592 --> 00:16:09,427
your husband, your kids, Bonnie.

359
00:16:09,510 --> 00:16:12,722
I... I don't understand
why that would make you wanna kill me?

360
00:16:12,805 --> 00:16:14,849
I thought it was because I hated you,

361
00:16:14,932 --> 00:16:18,477
but maybe I just wanted
to put you out of your misery.

362
00:16:18,561 --> 00:16:22,315
I think I wanted to kill you
because I came from you.

363
00:16:22,815 --> 00:16:26,319
Whatever is in you must also be in me.

364
00:16:26,402 --> 00:16:28,863
I wanted to kill the part of myself

365
00:16:28,946 --> 00:16:30,573
that scares me the most.

366
00:16:31,157 --> 00:16:34,243
Whoa.

367
00:16:34,327 --> 00:16:35,328
You're mad at me.

368
00:16:45,379 --> 00:16:48,382
IHOP must be a rabbit's
favorite restaurant, right?

369
00:16:48,466 --> 00:16:49,467
[spits and chuckles] Yeah.

370
00:16:49,550 --> 00:16:52,094
You're gonna get us kicked out of here.

371
00:16:52,178 --> 00:16:53,429
Thanks for sharing.

372
00:16:53,512 --> 00:16:56,557
That was hard to hear, but it's okay.

373
00:16:57,058 --> 00:16:59,644
I'm your mom,
and my job is to love you

374
00:16:59,727 --> 00:17:01,896
to the moon and back,
no matter what.

375
00:17:02,647 --> 00:17:03,940
Do you feel that?

376
00:17:05,149 --> 00:17:07,026
Yeah, I do.

377
00:17:07,109 --> 00:17:08,945
Good. Then I'm doing my job.

378
00:17:09,028 --> 00:17:11,322
And all you gotta do is just be a kid.

379
00:17:12,949 --> 00:17:14,200
We ordered omelets.

380
00:17:14,700 --> 00:17:16,494
Oh, no, no.
This is good, though. This is good.

381
00:17:16,577 --> 00:17:19,205
Better than what we ordered. Yay.

382
00:17:23,042 --> 00:17:25,419
♪ Step on a crack,
break your mama's back ♪

383
00:17:26,045 --> 00:17:28,047
[chuckles] No, no,
I'm just joking. I'm not gonna.

384
00:17:28,130 --> 00:17:31,008
No, you can.
It's just a silly game.

385
00:17:31,092 --> 00:17:32,093
Okay.

386
00:17:32,176 --> 00:17:33,219
-[stomps]
-Ahhh!

387
00:17:33,302 --> 00:17:34,971
-[gasps] Mama! Mama, I'm sorry!
-Oh, God!

388
00:17:35,054 --> 00:17:36,597
[laughs]

389
00:17:36,681 --> 00:17:39,308
-Gotcha.
-Mom. Whoa.

390
00:17:39,392 --> 00:17:41,185
Where has this Lois been?

391
00:17:41,269 --> 00:17:43,354
Yeah, I should let her come out more.

392
00:17:43,437 --> 00:17:45,982
I didn't used to be
so uptight, you know.

393
00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:48,859
-I... I used to be crazy and fun.
-Really?

394
00:17:48,943 --> 00:17:52,280
I... I shouldn't be
telling you this, but once in college...

395
00:17:52,363 --> 00:17:54,699
[snickers] This is nuts. Okay.

396
00:17:54,782 --> 00:17:58,119
Well, my friends and I,
we stayed up till 1:00 in the morning,

397
00:17:58,202 --> 00:18:01,747
playing Jimmy Crack Corn
with spoons on the bathroom sink.

398
00:18:01,831 --> 00:18:04,208
-[laughing]
-O... Okay?

399
00:18:04,292 --> 00:18:07,587
Yeah. It was just, like, really crazy.

400
00:18:09,171 --> 00:18:10,840
Hey, we should get back at Bonnie

401
00:18:10,923 --> 00:18:12,592
for how mean she always is to you.

402
00:18:12,675 --> 00:18:13,801
Yes! [gasps]

403
00:18:13,884 --> 00:18:15,136
I'll go get spoons.

404
00:18:15,219 --> 00:18:17,179
Do you know Jimmy Crack Corn?
I can teach you.

405
00:18:17,263 --> 00:18:19,432
[gasps] We'll sing it so loud.

406
00:18:19,515 --> 00:18:21,392
No, no. Just follow my lead.

407
00:18:21,475 --> 00:18:23,394
[man on TV] I wanted
to get that out of the way.

408
00:18:24,353 --> 00:18:26,981
Bonnie gives you crap,
we give her crap.

409
00:18:27,064 --> 00:18:28,774
-Griffin style.
-Uh...

410
00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:31,736
[sighs] I'm not gonna be able to go.

411
00:18:31,819 --> 00:18:33,779
Mom, I've known you
since I was a baby.

412
00:18:33,863 --> 00:18:35,698
You try too hard with everything.

413
00:18:35,781 --> 00:18:37,116
You're wound so tightly.

414
00:18:37,199 --> 00:18:38,951
Just let it go, babe.
Just let it--

415
00:18:39,035 --> 00:18:40,703
[cackles] I did it!

416
00:18:40,786 --> 00:18:41,996
I just let it go.

417
00:18:42,079 --> 00:18:43,873
Yes, the movie popcorn and IHOP

418
00:18:43,956 --> 00:18:45,041
probably get an assist.

419
00:18:48,878 --> 00:18:49,879
What a night.

420
00:18:49,962 --> 00:18:52,506
We should go on a trip,
like to Tuscany or something.

421
00:18:52,590 --> 00:18:54,634
Oh. Like an Eat Pray Love.

422
00:18:54,717 --> 00:18:57,470
Yeah, like a...
like a mom and son pisghetti trip.

423
00:18:57,553 --> 00:18:58,679
Want another Oreo?

424
00:18:59,263 --> 00:19:01,349
Ah! [laughs]

425
00:19:01,432 --> 00:19:03,392
Gotcha! [laughs]

426
00:19:03,476 --> 00:19:06,729
Oh. You remember
your Oreo tantrum earlier?

427
00:19:06,812 --> 00:19:10,066
You know, my tantrums are never about
the thing they're about.

428
00:19:10,149 --> 00:19:11,734
Oh. What do you mean?

429
00:19:11,817 --> 00:19:13,819
It's a generalized lack of control.

430
00:19:13,903 --> 00:19:16,572
I have no autonomy.
I'm on everyone else's schedule.

431
00:19:16,656 --> 00:19:19,617
Stewie, I see you. I hear you.

432
00:19:19,700 --> 00:19:21,452
And I feel the same way.

433
00:19:21,535 --> 00:19:23,621
-All adults do.
-They do?

434
00:19:23,704 --> 00:19:27,166
I mean, I'm not strapped
in a car seat, but I may as well be.

435
00:19:27,249 --> 00:19:29,543
-[♪ somber music playing]
-Every day it's shopping,

436
00:19:29,627 --> 00:19:30,795
chores, cleaning, repeat.

437
00:19:30,878 --> 00:19:32,338
So, it's not just me?

438
00:19:33,005 --> 00:19:34,131
Thanks, Mom.

439
00:19:34,215 --> 00:19:36,175
Oh, I love you, sweetie.

440
00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:43,933
So, you're not gonna kill me, right?

441
00:19:44,016 --> 00:19:45,518
Not anytime soon.

442
00:19:49,146 --> 00:19:50,147
[Bonnie screams]

443
00:19:50,231 --> 00:19:54,193
Joe! Why are there
three human poos on our lawn?

444
00:19:54,276 --> 00:19:55,820
[Joe] Two of them aren't mine.

445
00:19:55,903 --> 00:19:59,782
[both giggling]

446
00:19:59,865 --> 00:20:02,743
[both sigh wearily]

447
00:20:11,335 --> 00:20:12,878
[yawning]

448
00:20:13,337 --> 00:20:14,463
Why am I on the floor?

449
00:20:15,047 --> 00:20:17,883
-Why are you here?
-Why am I in Stewie's room?

450
00:20:17,967 --> 00:20:19,719
I don't remember anything.

451
00:20:19,802 --> 00:20:22,388
This is like The Hangover
with Justin Bartha.

452
00:20:22,471 --> 00:20:23,889
Yeah, nobody thinks of it like that.

453
00:20:23,973 --> 00:20:25,057
Oh, there you are.

454
00:20:25,141 --> 00:20:28,018
I have no memory
of what happened last night.

455
00:20:28,102 --> 00:20:30,354
Yet, I have the strangest feeling

456
00:20:30,438 --> 00:20:33,899
that Stewie and I,
we shared something special.

457
00:20:33,983 --> 00:20:35,234
Pancakes, please.

458
00:20:35,735 --> 00:20:38,446
Yes, it's strange, Rupert,
but I feel the same way.

459
00:20:38,529 --> 00:20:40,114
Something changed with us.

460
00:20:40,197 --> 00:20:42,450
I think this
is a whole new beginning.

461
00:20:43,659 --> 00:20:46,162
Uh-uh-uh. Too early, little guy.

462
00:20:46,245 --> 00:20:49,206
[wailing]

463
00:20:49,290 --> 00:20:51,000
Oh, my God.
What is wrong with you?

464
00:20:51,083 --> 00:20:52,668
It's just Oreos.

465
00:20:53,669 --> 00:20:57,298
[sighs] Well, I guess
we'll always have whatever last night was.

466
00:20:57,381 --> 00:21:00,509
We're out of your
Tom's of Maine Rough and Dry Baby Wipes.

467
00:21:00,593 --> 00:21:01,594
I'll order more.

468
00:21:02,678 --> 00:21:03,888
I'm gonna kill her.

469
00:21:04,972 --> 00:21:06,974
[♪ closing theme music playing]